[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
john wicks are toilet candles
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Google assistant rules
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something