Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.