Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.