Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Otters see a butterfly.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up