Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse