Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

Somewhere in an alternate universe

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice