Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.