Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.