Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly