*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.