*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
That time Alicia messaged me
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.