[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
You Might Also Like
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*seductively eats two tums*