[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
When you let grandma cat sit
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Optional boss fight.
