Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

🐠

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.