[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist


I’m a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I’m going to find you and build you a bench.


Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.


When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.


I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.


Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.


He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.


I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.


*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me


I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.