@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

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@JustUnstableMe

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

@AristotlesNZ

Drug commercial just listed “death” as a possible side affect.

Seems totally legit.

Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..

@KylePlantEmoji

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

@romiza_

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

@Kristen_Arnett

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

@dinnersruined

*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”

@girlwit0filter

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

@MariyaAlexander

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

@iamburtjarvis

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

@markedly

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7