@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

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@snarkymomtobe

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

@pseudo_fred

I’m a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I’m going to find you and build you a bench.

@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@AndyAsAdjective

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@DurtMcHurtt

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

@ValeeGrrl

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

@TheBoydP

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

@iwearaonesie

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

@sssh_squirrel

I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.