@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

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@AndrewChamings

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

@illTortuga

All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas’ hair has been wet for 20 years.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

@GrantTanaka

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

@4SLars

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

@TimmyPumpkin

dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.