Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
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casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas’ hair has been wet for 20 years.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
her: you look nice
barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: You’re leaving us.
Me: Also, why?
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.