[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please


All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas’ hair has been wet for 20 years.


me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too


[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor


Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*


Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.


wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.


Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.


Me: You’re leaving us.


Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.