[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Anyone want a chair?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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