[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
You Might Also Like
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman