[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
BRO LMFAO
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?