[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
You Might Also Like
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now