Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.