[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Husband of the year 😂
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
