Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?