Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

a badder mouse

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head