Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

as is their right

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*