@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

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@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@sannewman

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@spacewizard_t

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

@Daveastated

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

@girlnarly

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

@Ygrene

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented