@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

You Might Also Like

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@thedad

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

@timdonakowski

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

@inthefade

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

@Metalligretch

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

@Skoog

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

@IndecisiveJones

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

@Mr_Kapowski

*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*

*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”

*already locked myself in the bathroom*

@E_lok44

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.