So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?
Me: Hey! Come back!
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Right this way…”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*
*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”
*already locked myself in the bathroom*
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.