[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.