Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.