Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

They must have gotten it to go.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.