Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit