[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
You Might Also Like
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan