[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Great Canadian literature.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES