Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

How your email finds me

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma