Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

So the ex texted me

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun