Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

oh u like geography? name every lake