First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.