[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
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I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*watches the world burn*
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”