Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

FRED: right

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

Camel dough

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not