Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

thanksgiving should be called feaster

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda