Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

😩😩😩

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.