[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
😩😩😩
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.