[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Most fashion shows these days…
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn