[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
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My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get