Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

They’re really bad with fonts.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

why does this building look like a guilty dog

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

The news

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.