Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

I basically called this earlier today

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

For those that worship cheese..

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic