Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me: