{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
what it’s like dating me:
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Just got to our Airbnb!
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Animal poetry
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!