{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
SQUARREL
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.