[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
this was very charming
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
How is it still this week?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
How wrong was this guy?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.