[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
me adding lol on a serious message
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.