[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
😂🤣😂🤣
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂