Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!