[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom