[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
thinking about a very short hotdog
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller