[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Stonehinge
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.