[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice