Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out