Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

I just love that new Pope smell.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

*swipes right on my hand mirror

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.