[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life