[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.


Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.


The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.


you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise


Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.


[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married


The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.