@BCMontgo

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

You Might Also Like

@Angibangie

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

@osoplain

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

@LindaInDisguise

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

@Swishergirl24

No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I’d just call my boss.

@Parentpains

I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.

@shkeeber

You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!

-Noahpra

@steeve_again

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.