Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Yup

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists