Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

At least my masseuse has my back.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

hardest line in real life

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN