Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Single worst piece of software ever invented

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

If you love someone, let them tweet.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.