Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

◾️

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

My safe word is Worcestershire

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair