[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed