[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
making my dog give me my pills
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.