[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Huge if true.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Ah..makes sense now
