[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG