Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<—- homeless romantic

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

This forever.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.