Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

hmmm

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day