Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse