Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese