[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
just having fun
