[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000