Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

🤣

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…